Eulogy for a mother

Make this speech your own

This structure helps you shape your own memories into words; the stories must be yours. Replace every bracketed marker with something true about the person, and leave out anything you are not sure of or would not want said aloud. The examples below are fictional prompts, not facts about anyone.

The // mark means pause; do not read it aloud. Use the default script, or swap in one of the openings or closings below. Do not add every alternative to the same speech.

With the fictional examples filled in, the default script is 584 words. At 125 words per minute, that is about five minutes. Your own details and pauses will change the time, so read your finished version aloud and time it.

Details to gather

SPEAKER — What name should you introduce yourself by? Fictional example: Alex

RELATION — What were you to her? Fictional example: son

[FULL_NAME] — What name did everyone else know her by? Fictional example: Ellen

MOTHER — What did you call her? Fictional example: Mom

[WHO_SHE_WAS] — What few words would people who knew her recognize? Fictional example: curious, stubborn in the best way and endlessly generous with her time

[EARLY_LIFE] — Who was she before she was your mother? Write a short phrase. Fictional example: the oldest of five, the first in her family to finish college and, by every account, the fastest bike rider on her block

[LIFE_OUTLINE] — What did her life hold? Name two or three things. Fictional example: thirty years of teaching fourth grade, a long marriage to my dad and friendships that lasted decades

FAMILY — Which family members would you like to speak to directly? Fictional example: Dad, Kate and Ben

Stories and thanks to gather

[STORY_ONE] — What memory from your childhood shows who she was? Write two or three sentences. Fictional example: When I was seven, I wanted to quit piano. Mom didn't argue. She sat beside me every evening for a month and learned the pieces herself, until I wanted to keep going.

[QUALITY_ONE] — What quality does that story show? Fictional example: patience

[STORY_TWO] — What story shows how she was with other people? Write two or three sentences. Fictional example: She volunteered at the library every Thursday for twenty years, and half the town knew her as the person who always had the right book waiting.

[QUALITY_TWO] — What quality does that story show? Fictional example: generosity

[STORY_THREE] — What recent memory would you like to share? Write two or three sentences. Fictional example: Last spring, she called me just to describe the first tomato in her garden, in detail, for ten minutes.

[QUALITY_THREE] — What quality does that memory show? Fictional example: delight in small things

LEAVES — What does she leave in you? Fictional example: the belief that you show love by showing up

THANKS — Who would you like to thank? Fictional example: her friends from the library, her neighbors and everyone who brought meals to our family this week

Introduce yourself

Good morning. I'm SPEAKER, [FULL_NAME]'s RELATION. Thank you all for being here. Seeing so many of you today means a great deal to our family, and we are grateful for every kindness you have shown us in these hard days. //

Say who she was

If you knew [FULL_NAME], you know she was [WHO_SHE_WAS]. Each of you knew a different side of her, and I hope you'll share those sides with each other today. //

Tell a little of her life

Before she was MOTHER to me, [FULL_NAME] was [EARLY_LIFE]. // Her life went on to hold [LIFE_OUTLINE]. // I mention this because it's easy to see our parents only as our parents. She was a whole person long before I came along, and she stayed one. Today I want to share three of my stories about her. //

Share the first story

The first is from when I was young. [STORY_ONE] // That was MOTHER. When I think of [QUALITY_ONE], I think of her. I didn't understand then how much it took, or how much it gave me. //

Share the second story

The second shows the [FULL_NAME] that so many of you knew. [STORY_TWO] // She never talked about her [QUALITY_TWO]. It was simply how she lived, and I suspect many of you could tell a story like that one. //

Share the third story

The third is recent. [STORY_THREE] // I am so grateful for that memory now. It reminds me that [QUALITY_THREE] was part of her all along, and that it's something I can choose to carry too. //

Say what the days feel like now

The strange thing about losing someone is that the world keeps going. The mail still comes. The coffee still needs making. But these past days, I've noticed that ordinary things keep bringing her back to me, and that has been a kind of comfort. //

Say what she leaves in you

People say that we carry our parents with us. I didn't fully understand that until now. MOTHER leaves in me LEAVES. I see it in how I treat people and in the small choices I make every day. When I get it right, that's her. I hope I can pass it on to the people I love. //

Speak to your family

To FAMILY: I know how much she loved you, and I hope you can feel that today, even in the middle of all this sadness. We will get through this the way she taught us to, together. //

Thank the people who helped

On behalf of our family, I want to thank THANKS. Your kindness has carried us, and it would have meant so much to her. //

Say goodbye

MOTHER, thank you. For your [QUALITY_ONE], your [QUALITY_TWO] and your [QUALITY_THREE]. For every lesson, spoken and unspoken, and for every ordinary day you made a little better. We love you, and we will miss you always.

Two optional openings

Good morning. My name is SPEAKER, and I'm [FULL_NAME]'s RELATION. I'd like to tell you about MOTHER.

Thank you for being here. I'm SPEAKER. I've been trying to find the right words for MOTHER, and I've decided the best words are her stories.

Two optional closings

Thank you, MOTHER. For everything. We love you.

We will miss you every day, MOTHER, and we will remember you in everything you taught us.

Prepare a version you can say

Write the three stories first, then fill in the rest. If a story runs long, keep the moment that shows who she was and cut the setup.

Print the eulogy in large type with each pause marked, and give a second copy to someone who can read it for you if needed.

Before the service, read it aloud once to a family member. It helps you hear where you'll need to breathe.

Words that honor her

Use only what is true and kind, and what your family would be comfortable hearing. Leave out anything negative about her and any details of an illness or death.

Leave out religious or afterlife statements unless you know they reflect your mother and your family. If the family wants a reading or prayer, follow their lead.

Questions before the day

How long should a eulogy for a mother be? This script runs about five minutes. If others are speaking, ask the family or the officiant how long you have, and use one or two stories instead of three.

How do I start a eulogy for my mom? Say who you are, thank everyone for coming and describe her in a few words that people who knew her will recognize.

What if I only have one or two stories? Use them. One true story told well is better than three you are unsure of.

How do I get through a eulogy without breaking down? Pause where you've marked it, breathe and look at the next line. Ask someone beforehand to be ready to read for you if needed.